Refinding my Power

I've beem reading An Open Life--Joseph Campbell in Coversation with Michael Toms. Here are a few excerpts that struck home for me today.

--"...mythology tells us that where you stumble, there your treasure is...And so it is in our own psyche: our psyche is the cave with all the jewels in it, and it's the fact that we're not letting their energies move us that brings us up short. And where it seems most challenging lies the greatest invitation to find deep and greater powers in outselves."(26)

--"Our demons are our own limitations, which shut us off from the realization of the ubiquity of the spirit. And as each of these demons is conquered in a vision quest, the consciousness of the quester is enlarged, and more of the world is encompassed. Basically the vision quest involves getting past your own limitations, which are within even as they appear to be without. They are symbolized in myth as monsters and demons, and in each age the characteristics change; because as a people, so do its limitations." (28)

--"My definition of a devil is a god who has not been recognized. That is to say, it is a power within you to which you have not given expression, and you push it back. And the power, like all repressed energy, it builds up and becomes completely dangerous to the position you're trying to hold.
One of the best examples of that is the trickster fiqure in American Indian myth: the coyote, and the rabbit. He's at once a fool and a creator. He's a fool in that he's not acting in terms of the order of life in progress; and he's the creator in that he is the unrecognized, yet pressing energies that are threatening to break through." (28-29)

Since the last chemo-threatment, the side effects took over my life. No, the side effects got worse and made functioning in my life difficult. I had allowed them to take over my psyche. The operative word here is had. I allowed myself to feel helpless. By allowing that excuse to exist, I reqlinguished my own inner power. Without that strength, I became deflated, anxious, bitchy, and lost. But enough is enough. I have done away with that. I have risen like a phoenix and am just as ugly and determined. I will not miss more of my work. I love my work and will not be denied. I will not take my next treatment until I am back in balance both physically and emotionally. I will begin to enjoy each moment of my life and not simply endure it.
I made these decisions yesterday morning. Already I feel as though I'm on firmer ground. I talked to my nurse practioner today and she agrees that I need to heal before scheduling my next treatment. The dosage then will be decreased, too. Good. I like that compromise and support. I do think the chemo. is needed, but I am adament that I will not sacrifice my own spirit. My affirmation of life is what keeps me living aware, not just going through the motions of simply existing. I'm no saint, thank goodness, but I sure don't want to deny my own power (now that I have refound it).